You're a Mean One...

Mr. Grinch! So I watched the Grinch who stole Christmas this weekend, and this may be a little far fetched, but I could actually relate. The Whos in Whoville were getting so wrapped up in the perfect Christmas presents and outdoing the neighbors with their decorations. I, for one, have been very enticed by the stuff that Christmas brings. I have spent way too much money, and the thought of spending a couple of hours at Target gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I just need to re-focus on what Christ-mas is all about! I was thinking about it and I might try it one year...if I can convince the family...what if instead of spending all our time and energy on shopping and decorating, we spent the season serving and blessing those in need? No presents allowed. Wouldn't that be kind of cool? I'm sure the kids would throw a fit...but wouldn't it be a good reminder that the reason we celebrate this time of year is because our Almighty God showed up one night in the form of a helpless babe. Just a thought. More for myself than anything because this year I am seriously entwined in the world's version of Christmas. Other than that, things are good! Taryn is so amazing my heart just swells with love for her! Her little personality is blossoming..and let me tell ya, she can already be a little stinker! But a pretty darn cute one. I am so excited for my sister to have a baby boy in April! This will be the first boy in our family for 10 years now! I just know that God purposely wanted to bless them abundantly with the gift of a son. How awesome. Well, ta ta for now!!

Love,
Jo

Home

I have been praying that God would make a way for me to stay home full time with Taryn. It seems, however, there are obstacles that keep popping up. So I wonder, does that mean it isn't God's will for me to stay home, or is the enemy at work? I struggle with the whole idea of God's will. Is it wrong for me to ask that I could stay home with my daughter instead of work outside the home? Honestly, I don't think it is, because my husband and I want what is best for Taryn and ultimately, our family. My mom is retired and watches her, but I feel like it really wears her out. I do only work three days a week, which is a huge blessing in and of itself. I just want to be sure of my motives. Am I working just so we can have those few extra luxuries that we otherwise wouldn't? I can see so many benefits to our family if I stayed home. Taryn, for one, would have her mama home every day. I know it would take a load off of Calvin, too. He picks her up on the days I work and takes care of her until I get home, and cooks dinner because I get home late. Which, with being in school full time can be a lot. We are definitely willing to make sacrifices financially to make this happen, but I don't think we could make it quite yet. So, I am going to continue to seek the Lord, and ask for His guidance. At some point, I may just have to take a leap of faith. I just want to make sure it is Him asking for the leap. I know this is a big issue for every family. Once you have children, your whole world changes. A few decades ago, the women as a majority, stayed home. Now, the norm is for women to be breadwinners right along with their hubbies. I can't help but wonder, is this the absolute best? What if we lowered our lifestyle expectations and went without two vehicles or lived in an apartment so mom could stay home with the children? Kind of a radical viewpoint for this generation. Not to get all old school on everybody! Well, enjoy your polical campaign ad -free days ahead!

Gasp!

Okay, so I had a good day today, for the most part. However, uh-hmmm, I did have a few struggles. I had a good hour at work when I see now my patience was being tested. I did not pass the test. I was so irritated and frustrated inside that at one point I actually swore under my breath, the worst thing I could possibly say. If you are a Christian, you probably know what that is. I just feel horrible. So, I just wanted to share my little struggle today, as ugly as it is. But, I have asked for forgiveness and I am standing on the fact that "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". (Romans 8) Lord, I thank you that in my imperfection and sin, you love me and forgive me so lavishly. Not because of anything I could possibly do to earn it, but because you chose to take the full punishment for my sin. How could I possibly thank you? I guess you could say by not using your name in vain, and blessing instead of cursing. I thank you that you extend your extravagant mercies anew each day. I am humbled by your grace and love, and like a little child standing before her daddy and hanging her head, I ask for your forgiveness. Please transform me by your spirit. Amen.

Liberty

I am doing Breaking Free by Beth Moore for the 3rd time. When Stacy told me her church was doing this study I knew that it was time for me to do it again. We are only on the 3rd week of lessons, and already I am so blown away by God's word! I am tired of not walking in the freedom that Christ has for me. I am tired of settling for what the world has to offer instead of the God of the universe. I am ready to walk in liberty! The group I'm in is so awesome. We have really good discussions every week, which is amazing. I actually look forward to Bible Study every week, and it's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I know that I have to take some steps and really begin to commit to a church. And not just commit to going but to be involved. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about that this week. After a couple of instances this week where people encouraged me to go to church and just bring Taryn, I actually did just that. It was scary, I'm not going to lie. Going to church alone with a baby is not easy. But the Lord helped me through. Taryn didn't cry once in the nursery! Now I just need to continue instead of saying, okay, I did it, I'm off the hook! Ahh, I know myself all too well! So these past few weeks have been refreshing and encouraging. I think being in God's word and in fellowship have lifted my spirits tremendously. Over the past few months I have had more than one pretty clear sign that point to God's word. I've been meandering around, wondering why God isn't speaking to me, why I am still in the pit, why I am not seeing victory in my life. And here and there it will strike me like lightning, "Dig into my Word, child". But the crystal clarity of that conviction fades away slowly and right back to the pit I go. It's like Beth Moore says, we are sitting in our prison cells, but the doors are wide open, and have been since we gave our lives to Christ. But we continually choose to stay in our comfortable, miserable prison cells. So, needless to say, this Bible study couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I don't know why it seems so hard to really get into God's word. It seems like such a chore sometimes. And then when I force myself to open it up, it is just that, forced. I want to be so transparent with the Lord. I want to seek Him and read His word, even when I know I've messed up and my life is not pretty. Instead of feeling like, okay, I've been good so He will speak to me today! So ridiculous and such a lie of Satan. Yet that is exactly what I struggle with and it is very real. I think that's why I just choose to stay away from God's word most of the time. I feel like a fraud. When in reality, I have not earned Christ's love or salvation anyway! I just want to have a desire and a passion for God's word. I want to be real and transparent with God, and know his love for me. I'm on my way! Love everyone!

He-llooooooooooo!

How is everyone out there? So I'm finding out that The Shack is a pretty controversial book! First, may I say that this is indeed a fiction book. It is not fact. It is chunks of truth and theological issues peppered into someone's imaginary account of a face to face meeting with God. So I don't think we can take every detail of the author's descriptions of God literally. Number one, it is his imagination, or at best, his best guess. I don't think they harm God's truth. I think it is a beautiful picture of God's love for His children. It's like every other book I read, I don't necessarily agree with every single point that is made, but if I benefit from the major theme and points in the book then I take those with me. I think the author of this book has an intensely creative imagination, and an incredible knowledge of our Lord, and he married the two in this amazing piece of fiction. This book is very focused on God's grace. It is not perfect, it is not the Bible! Something that I think God has been teaching me lately is how judgemental I am. Reading this book just confirmed that for me. We as Christians think we know the perfect way, that our understanding of truth is exactly right and all the others have it wrong. What I am realizing is that this is very self righteous. Did the Lord intend for us as a body to be divided? We certainly are. Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, Evangelicals, Pentecostals, Methodists, etc. Each denomination has it just right! What is the point? Christ!! We are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ. Granted, yes we are called to seek the truth, absolutely. But if we don't agree on these 'secondary' issues, can we just humble ourselves and love our brothers anyway? What if we all did church together? I have been so convicted of my own arrogance as of late, and I am seeing how rampant it is in the body of Christ. I think we have it all wrong. Let's stop focusing on our man-made rules and traditions and focus on Christ. Let's learn from his example. We're human, of course we are going to have disagreements and interpret things differently, and that's okay...to a point. When someone is twisting God's word we absolutely must seek the truth and speak it. When it divides us completely, then it is a problem. The body is trying to operate and there's a foot detached over there because it disagrees with the leg on a non-essential issue! My point is, as believers, we are supposed to be one. We are supposed to fix our eyes on Jesus, together. So that is my rant for the day. Enjoy! Please feel free to agree, disagree or share your thoughts on this matter. On a lighter note, Taryn cut her first tooth this week! We thought she was getting a cold because she had a little fever, wasn't sleeping at night and had a runny nose but were surprised to find out her first pearly white was making its grand entrance into the world! Also, just so everyone knows, Stacy Minor is now 40! Love to all!!!

The Shack

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young, as recommended by Stacy. I am blown away. If you have not read it, read it now! It is a mindblowing work of fiction that is so inspiring and boundary erasing. I don't want to give anything away. Let's just say that although it is fiction, you will walk away, either with a changed perspective of who God is, or at least questioning who you perceive Him to be. It is so simple, yet so complex. God's love for us is so deep and so infinite that we cannot even comprehend it. I know that I tend to run from it, and hide from it because I don't deserve it. Which is almost laughable after reading this. It makes me wonder how on earth did I make everything so complicated? He loves me. He loves me, and you and every one of his children in a capacity that goes beyond our understanding as humans. The closest illustration is how we love our own children, good or bad, naughty or nice. I'm just so inspired. I want to be in a close relationship with Him. Let go of the guilt and just be, and live in His love. And let His love pour out to all those around me. The book also gives an amazing illustration of the trinity. It's just cool. Read it now!!! You won't be disappointed!

Beautiful Day!!

Is anybody in love with this weather?!!! I LOVE it, it has been so beautiful this week. There is nothing like the fresh, cool fall air to lift your spirits! Its so weird, but every season comes at the perfect time. I'm so ready for fall. Well, more to come later, crying baby to tend to!

Still Kickin!

I haven't written in awhile so I thought I'd pop in and say hello! Time just flies by so fast! Taryn will be 6 months old on the 29th already. I can't even believe it. She's growing so fast and her little personality comes out a little more every day. She loves to smile and giggle and she is so curious about everything. I absolutely adore her! Calvin started his new job a few weeks ago and is liking it which is a huge blessing! I've had some changes in my job, I was originally going to work at the Monticello branch that is opening in October and just recently decided to stay at the Big Lake branch. There are a few reasons, but mostly it will work out better for me with my 3 day a week schedule. Working part-time with a daughter now, my family is priority and I just think it would have been a little too intense for me at Monticello. So that is a relief! It is so awesome that I can work 3 days a week and that I have a mom and sister willing to take care of Taryn rather than a stranger. I haven't been to church in like 2 months! I need to stop being a chicken and just take Taryn with me. Other than that, I'm just taking life day by day. Asking the Lord for guidance and transformation. I still know that I need to be plugged in to the body. Hope all is well with everyone, I will be posting some new pictures soon!

The Race

"Let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12: 1,2. I have been pondering this verse lately. I have it taped on my mirror so every morning I am reminded. It seems to sum up life so perfectly. It is a race. Throw off the crap that entangles you and holds you back, just fix your eyes on Jesus. He endured the cross, and now is seated at the right hand of God. Seems like a good reason to push through it all. The pain, the sin, the emptiness, everything. We will not be seated at the right hand of God, which is the highest honor. But we will be in the same house. That in and of itself is pretty amazing. "Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1Cor. 9:24-27 These scriptures inspire me incredibly. Life is not just a random sequence of events that we float through. There is a purpose. There is an end. There is a prize. Run the race. Train yourself. Live intentionally. Fix your eyes on Jesus. I am so encouraged tonight and inspired and in awe of God's word. I have been reading Andrew Prest's blog and it is soooo inspiring, and moving. Him and his wife Janet went to Woodland. He is not only writing about his life training, but also he is literally in training physically. The parallels are astounding. So the word of the day is inspiration. How often do you run aimlessly or beat the air? I know I do more than not. But God's love and grace are so extravagant, and it never changes. Fix your eyes on Jesus, friends. Run the race with perserverance. Taryn is doing amazing as usual. Jacci and Zach (did I spell it right this time?) came over Saturday and let Calvin and I go out for a much needed date night. We went to dinner and saw a movie. It was nice to be out with him. Then we came home and played Upwords and talked until 2am. It was such a fun day. I'm falling more and more in love with my daughter, if that is possible. Every moment I look at her I just want to will her my love. I want her know how much I love and cherish her. She is so beautiful. I am realizing that I must not let the little things go by unnoticed. Even feeding her, the sleepy eye rolls and yanking on my fingers and my watch are so prescious. It's amazing. She is such a happy baby, too. The only time she isn't content is when she's tired or hungry. What a blessing. She will be 5 months on Tuesday. It goes so fast. Calvin is starting his new job on Tuesday. I pray that he will enjoy it and be challenged. He is doing awesome in school, too. He has made it on the dean's list twice now. He works so hard, I am so proud of him. Well, love to all!

I was just reminiscing about my times with TimberBay. I just went on the web site and memories flooded my mind. I can't help but get emotional. It was one of the scariest and most exciting times in my life. God had yanked me right out of pretty much every comfort zone I ever had to be apart of this amazing ministry. I remember realizing that is exactly where I wanted to be, completely out of my comfort zone. That's how I knew God was doing the work. I miss the kids, I miss Paul, the director who was like a dad to me. Wow. I remember my first night at camp. I was so terrified and nerve-wracked that I actually got sick, laying in my top bunk because I was too chicken to assert myself with the often times intimidating teenage girls. I laugh about that now. God was really using me there. And not just for the girls, but He was showing me so much. I miss it. I really do. It was a part of my life I will always cherish. It was the first time that I got off of my butt, stopped being lazy, stepped out of myself and really listened to the Lord. It was amazing.

Ah Ha!!

So last night I decided to blow the dust off the Bible and settle in for a little God and I time and I am so glad I did. I opened up to 1 Corinthians 13 - the famous love chapter. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." And then it says, "Love never ends." In the moment that I read those three little words my whole perspective was changed. I had been reading this passage and thinking about love in general and how I am to love others. But this time God gave me an "ah ha" moment that was so amazing and exciting it bubbles up in me right now! In 1 John it says "God is love." Love never ends. God's love for me never ends!! God never ends, and His love never ends. His love "bears all things" and "endures all things" that I put it through. I just wanted to share how Jesus touched my heart so deeply. Isn't that so incredible that our Lord's love never ends?

To Live, or Not to Live...

Well I have been in a bit of a slump lately. Back to TVland, yuck. I gotta say I am so tired of just letting my life pass me by. I realized yesterday, I need to choose to live. Everyday. Rather than just letting my feelings steer the boat, I need to take the wheel back! Living victoriously in Christ is a choice. I can choose to wake up, mumble a half-hearted prayer and stumble through my day. Or, I can choose to wake up, seek Christ, spend time in the word, and live. Does that make sense? I go a couple of days without reading the word and truly spending time seeking the Lord and then I'm like, oh, God is probably mad or disappointed in me so I'll just ignore the voice inside me that urges me to open the word. So wrong!!! I don't know why I make things so difficult. I get in the way of myself so often. And I also forget that Satan roams the earth looking for his next victim to devour and deceive. As you can probably tell from my blog, I'm on a roller coaster. One day I'm up, and the next I'm down. Yuck. I don't want to whine, just letting ya'll know where I'm at. Struggling as usual! I know deep down that a big part that is missing is fellowship. I'm a lone elbow, living apart from the body, so I'm not so effective. I don't know why I'm so scared to just dive in and get involved in the church. And I know myself, always making excuses. Some encouragement please!!! I went dress shopping with my beautiful friend Jacci today, and she found "the one". I am so excited for her! She is so beautiful inside and out and God has truly blessed her with Zac. They are an amazing couple. Even her engagement ring and proposal are witnessing tools for God's kingdom. So awesome. Congrats guys! Well, that's all for today. Isn't my munchkin cute?!

Hello, hello!

It has been too long since I have posted! Not much happening here except the amazing growth of my beautiful baby girl! She has gotten so big I can bareley remember what she was like when she was first born. They aren't lying when they say they grow up fast. (I'm not sure who they are, but they are still right!) She is a chunky monkey now and is getting really strong. She talks her gurgly baby talk almost constantly now. Her little shrieks and yelps are so loud and so adorable. Calvin can get her laughing really good, too. He is so good with her. It's funny because I know he was excited for her to be born, not nearly as excited as me, but once he laid eyes on her he was done. He his truly in love with his little girl. I can't even describe how much I love her. Even the thought of harm coming her way brings tears to my eyes as we speak. The desire to protect her is overwhelming. It's so weird how becoming a parent changes you. Oh, big news, Taryn has been sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks! I mean 9-10 hours a night. Thank you Jesus! I'm not good with sleep deprivation, so this has been a huge blessing. So as I'm writing this Calvin is picking up his brother from the airport. His mom is moving back to Montana tomorrow. I can't help but be excited, but part of me is a little sad. I'm disappointed in the way I handled her time here. It could have been an opportunity to witness to and serve her. I'm pretty sure it was neither. Anyone who is willing, please pray for her. Pray for her faith and that she will truly understand the gift of salvation in Christ. While you're at it, you could pray for my hubby too! Well that's about all for now. Nothing too exciting. Love to all!!

To Deny

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

I've been asking the Lord what it looks like for me to deny myself and take up my cross daily. I've been praying for Him to show me how to do this each day before I go to work. Let me tell you it is painful. The first morning that I prayed about this I felt so good and sure that I was going to do Jesus proud. Little did I know the first test was before I even got out of bed! Right when I was going to get in the shower, I heard my mother in law start the shower downstairs. My praise Jesus attitude flew out the window. I was infuriated. I know it seems silly, but I am on a tight schedule in the morning, and she didn't have to start work until an hour after me. I was so mad. I had a moment of, okay think about what you've been praying for. Deny yourself, Jolene. But that thought was fleeting. I immediately called my husband to vent. Then when I heard she was done, I stomped downstairs and hollered "are you done in the shower?! Because I need to get in there!!" Just to make sure she knew I was extremely irritated. (To tell you the truth I get a little irritated just typing this! Ridiculous.) Anyway, after I showered and was ready for the day, I realized it really wasn't that big of a deal. And looking at it from a calmer perspective I realized that even if it was a big deal, I was not called to get angry and get even, I was called to forgive and DENY myself. I certainly did not do a good job that morning for sure. But I was thankful at how quickly the Lord showed me an example. So I'm camping on these verses, hopefully indefinitely. It is so the opposite of my natural being. I immediately want to defend myself and not allow myself to be wronged by anyone. But I think about Jesus dragging that heavy cross strapped to his wounded back on the way to his horrible death and it helps to put things in perspective. I absolutely love how God's ways are the opposite of the world's. Anyway, have a good week!

Jolene

Another Day

I haven't written in awhile. I've been struggling a little this past week. I don't know why its so hard to get into the Word sometimes. It's like picking up a cement block. I know I just need to do it anyway, even if I don't feel like it. I think I need to really get involved in a church. I've been going to The Quarry off and on for almost two years and I still feel like an outsider. I don't want to be just a Sunday attender. But it is so hard for me to go beyond that. I need to let go of my last church. I think I'm still mourning the loss of it. I'm definitely realizing how difficult it is to live outside of fellowship. I miss the encouragement, shoulders to cry on, challenge, accountability, prayer partners, and just focusing on others rather than myself. I want to go deeper, but I gotta say I'm scared. Getting to know people and vice versa scares the crap out of me. I feel so socially retarded sometimes its embarrassing. But I know I just need to push past it. Not to be a Daisy Downer but that's how I'm feeling. I watched the movie P.S. I Love You last night (bawl-fest 2008) and it just reminded me of how fleeting life is. It is so important to make every moment count. It also made me think of Taryn and just the desires of my heart for her. I hope that she will not live in fear. That she will not ever be afraid to speak. That she will embrace Christ and live for Him. That she will be comfortable with who she is. That she will not settle for a man who doesn't adore her and vice versa. That she will fight for what she believes in. That she will not struggle with depression. That she will look beyond what the world has to offer. That she will be genuinely happy. Well, that's all for tonight.

Power

There is something about severe weather that reminds me of the absolute power of God. He is bigger than all the eye can see. I am reminded of a couple years ago when the tornado hit my sister's house and she called me in hysterics, needing a place to go for the night. Miraculously no one was killed or injured, although Kayla had a close call. I don't know, I guess I just forget how awesome our God is, I mean awe - some. I stand in awe of Him today. Hope all made it safely through the storm.

Hmmmm....

Okay, so I've been reading through 1 Corinthians and there's a verse that has been bothering me. "just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many that they may be saved." (Ch. 10 vs.33) The NIV reads: "even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved." Reflecting on my life and my actions I am appalled. It seems that I have it all turned around because I am trying to please myself in most things and seeking my own good most of the time. Really. I am living in complete selfishness. At home: I try so hard to control everything my husband does so I can be happy, because if he does something I don't like, I become miserable. Therefore, I am quite sure this makes him miserable. It's all about me. What I want, how I want to spend, what I want to do, and how I want to do it. I am absolutely horrible to my mother-in-law, who is running back to Montana as fast as she can. This could have been an opportunity to grow close with her and share Christ with her. Instead it became: she doesn't cook right, she doesn't clean the way I like to, she talks too much when I want to be left alone, therefore there is now practically no relationship. I'm a selfish drill-sergeant. At work: I may get annoyed with certain customers. I may get annoyed with co-workers. I complain. These are just a few examples of my selfishness, but this just points to the fact that my whole walk is self-centered. Christ suffered and died a horrific death, while I WAS STILL A SINNER so I could be saved. Not because I earned it. Not because I was good enough and didn't annoy him too much. He poured out everything he was and had for the sake of others so that they may be saved. Can I live this way? Truly live this out? Can I forgive the unforgiveable? Can I pour out my life for others? Even the "unlikeable"? Wow. I am really pondering this and praying for Christ's transformation.

Love,
Jolene

This is the Day the Lord Has Made

What a day! I stuck to my one hour of TV (American Idol, heellllooo!)and it made such a huge difference in my outlook. I actually started my day reading the Word! Wow. It was pretty cool. I took Charlie for a walk and enjoyed the beauty of a spring dusk. Nothing like some fresh air. I love the smell of freshly cut grass...invigorating! Then after Taryn's bath I held her in my arms and prayed over her as I rocked her. Such a tender moment and I can't help but wonder how many of these I'm missing because I'm too enthralled in the boob tube! Anyway, it was a good day. I just pray that I continue to keep the TV shut off. Maybe I could challenge someone else to try it also. Or maybe I'm the only loser who has this problem. Oh well. Love to all!!!

TV...My Drug of Choice

Today has been one of those days that I get out of bed, change and feed the baby, and plop in front of my good old reliable television. I call it a lazy day. Except I seem to have a lot of those days when I don't have to work and my housework is done. Of course now I have a child to take care of and play with, I just do it in front of the TV. I become mesmerised by the drama that unfolds before me, no matter how trashy or ridiculous. Yes that's right. I'm one of those people that comes home from work, makes dinner, and sits in front of the TV until I go to bed. That's kind of embarrassing to admit. I wonder how many hours of my life have been wasted on this. So today I realized, as I sat on the edge of my recliner engrossed in Dr. Phil, that TV is my drug of choice. I am addicted to TV. Wow. That's a little sad. I wonder how many other people struggle with this, or just think its a normal way of life? Yuck. Watching TV is like checking out of life. Its mind numbing. I especially don't want to pass this down to my daughter. I think I'll start with a limit. One hour a day. It'll be tough, but I need to stop wasting my time. Let's see what happens! Anyway, my beautiful baby Taryn is really engaging socially now. She loves to smile and giggle, and she talks her gurgly baby talk. It's amazing to watch her change. I love to watch Calvin with her. He is so in love with his little girl. God is so good to us.

Refreshed

My lovely friend Jacci brought me to the Casting Crowns concert for my birthday Saturday. It was sooooooooooo awesome. I walked away inspired, refreshed and in awe of Jesus. The title of the concert and the song The Altar and the Door so perfectly describes my walk over these past few years. Here are the words to the song:

Careless, I am reckless - I'm a wrong way travelin slowly unraveling shell of a man-
Burnt out, I'm so numb now - That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart-
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life - Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I ...Cry, like so many times before - But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through - Between the altar and the door -
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white - How could I ever falter, what you've shown me to be right - I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard - just let you be who you are lord who you are in me - Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard.

It's so nice to know that I am not the only one who does this. I feel like I've been living a cycle. I decide to just do everything on my own, subconsciously of course. All of a sudden I'll realize what a mess I am and run to the Lord sobbing for my faithlessness and failure to glorify or even seek Him. In those moments His word becomes alive and I wonder how I could ever possibly fade away from Him. The truth is so clear and the peace floods my heart. But somehow slowly I find myself consumed by the world again confused as to why I feel so down and so anxious. Reading His word becomes a chore that I make excuses to avoid, afterall, I've read it so many times before. And the cycle begins again - usually some amount of pain or desperation brings me back to His altar, proclaiming this time I'll get it right. Then the trying so hard plays in. I forget to just let Him be and trust Him, and I begin to try and "be good", which fails miserably and sucks up all of my energy because of course I've forgotten to just simply abide in Him and allow Him to shine though me. And the cycle begins again. So the question is, how does one live victoriously at His altar, so to speak? I plan to dig in to His word and begin refuting the lies I've been allowing to deceive me. I will live victoriously in Christ, but it's time to stop all complacency. I feel like I have been babbling.

Love,

Jolene

Desperate as usual

It has been so long since I have experienced the intimate fellowship I once shared with Jesus. I believe one decision I made a few years back started the gradual separation between my Lord and I. I've had glimpses of that closeness since then but nothing like it used to be. I am so tired of believing the lie that He has stopped loving me. My mind logically knows that can't be true. It is completely contrary to His word and who He is. But deep down I know that the canyon looming between us is the absolute doubt of His love for me. I have decided that I am tired of living in defeat. I am tired of living my life on the basis of lies. I am tired of believing that I don't deserve the love and relationship of Jesus when nobody deserves it. When I think that I have to earn His love I have become prideful in rejecting the free gift of salvation in Christ. I am tired of being distracted by and submersed in the ways of the world. I am tired of my pity party that I throw for myself every day because I am so down I can barely look up. The cure has been right here all along and its time that I take it. So here I go on my journey of restoration, renewed hope, and re-discovery. I cannot be lukewarm any longer. The urgency to restore my relationship with Christ almost scares me. I want to read His word with passion and excitement. I want to speak with Him daily about everything. I want to be aware constantly that I am His servant and the purpose of my life is to glorify Him and share the good news of Christ. I will not let the enemy destroy and hold me back any longer. Jesus, here comes your prodigal daughter. Thank you that you've been watching me from a distance with warmth and compassion in your heart, ready to slaughter the fattened calf in celebration of my return. The thought brings tears to my eyes - that you, Jesus, are so loving and so forgiving and that I could somehow doubt that for so long. I know I have tried to break down this wall between us but the attempts have been feeble and half-hearted, believing only that I could never regain your love. So I invite you, my dear sisters (even long lost) in Christ to join me on my adventure of rekindling my walk with the Lord. It may be messy, but it's real. I ask that the Lord will open my eyes and "restore to me the JOY of my salvation". Any encouragement is readily accepted along the way!

Luke 14:15-24

Love,

Jolene