Refreshed

My lovely friend Jacci brought me to the Casting Crowns concert for my birthday Saturday. It was sooooooooooo awesome. I walked away inspired, refreshed and in awe of Jesus. The title of the concert and the song The Altar and the Door so perfectly describes my walk over these past few years. Here are the words to the song:

Careless, I am reckless - I'm a wrong way travelin slowly unraveling shell of a man-
Burnt out, I'm so numb now - That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart-
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life - Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I ...Cry, like so many times before - But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through - Between the altar and the door -
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white - How could I ever falter, what you've shown me to be right - I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard - just let you be who you are lord who you are in me - Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard.

It's so nice to know that I am not the only one who does this. I feel like I've been living a cycle. I decide to just do everything on my own, subconsciously of course. All of a sudden I'll realize what a mess I am and run to the Lord sobbing for my faithlessness and failure to glorify or even seek Him. In those moments His word becomes alive and I wonder how I could ever possibly fade away from Him. The truth is so clear and the peace floods my heart. But somehow slowly I find myself consumed by the world again confused as to why I feel so down and so anxious. Reading His word becomes a chore that I make excuses to avoid, afterall, I've read it so many times before. And the cycle begins again - usually some amount of pain or desperation brings me back to His altar, proclaiming this time I'll get it right. Then the trying so hard plays in. I forget to just let Him be and trust Him, and I begin to try and "be good", which fails miserably and sucks up all of my energy because of course I've forgotten to just simply abide in Him and allow Him to shine though me. And the cycle begins again. So the question is, how does one live victoriously at His altar, so to speak? I plan to dig in to His word and begin refuting the lies I've been allowing to deceive me. I will live victoriously in Christ, but it's time to stop all complacency. I feel like I have been babbling.

Love,

Jolene

Desperate as usual

It has been so long since I have experienced the intimate fellowship I once shared with Jesus. I believe one decision I made a few years back started the gradual separation between my Lord and I. I've had glimpses of that closeness since then but nothing like it used to be. I am so tired of believing the lie that He has stopped loving me. My mind logically knows that can't be true. It is completely contrary to His word and who He is. But deep down I know that the canyon looming between us is the absolute doubt of His love for me. I have decided that I am tired of living in defeat. I am tired of living my life on the basis of lies. I am tired of believing that I don't deserve the love and relationship of Jesus when nobody deserves it. When I think that I have to earn His love I have become prideful in rejecting the free gift of salvation in Christ. I am tired of being distracted by and submersed in the ways of the world. I am tired of my pity party that I throw for myself every day because I am so down I can barely look up. The cure has been right here all along and its time that I take it. So here I go on my journey of restoration, renewed hope, and re-discovery. I cannot be lukewarm any longer. The urgency to restore my relationship with Christ almost scares me. I want to read His word with passion and excitement. I want to speak with Him daily about everything. I want to be aware constantly that I am His servant and the purpose of my life is to glorify Him and share the good news of Christ. I will not let the enemy destroy and hold me back any longer. Jesus, here comes your prodigal daughter. Thank you that you've been watching me from a distance with warmth and compassion in your heart, ready to slaughter the fattened calf in celebration of my return. The thought brings tears to my eyes - that you, Jesus, are so loving and so forgiving and that I could somehow doubt that for so long. I know I have tried to break down this wall between us but the attempts have been feeble and half-hearted, believing only that I could never regain your love. So I invite you, my dear sisters (even long lost) in Christ to join me on my adventure of rekindling my walk with the Lord. It may be messy, but it's real. I ask that the Lord will open my eyes and "restore to me the JOY of my salvation". Any encouragement is readily accepted along the way!

Luke 14:15-24

Love,

Jolene