No Such Thing as Normal

It's been awhile, eh? It seems all of my posts start that way. Life has a way of blasting by at mach speed without much time to pause and reflect. But once in a while, I stop...and breathe. The tears keep coming tonight...off and on...at any moment threatening to leave me powerless to their stream. I hate not being in control of my emotions. But tonight, I don't care. Because it involves my son. My sweet, hilariously funny, heartwarming, exasperating three and a half year old son, Toby. We recently had him evaluated through the local ECFE. Not for anything earth shattering or devastating. He just seems to have endless energy, has trouble listening, has a little bit of a speech issue, and tends to do dangerous boy things, ALL the time. So, as any concerned parent would do, we thought we would have him checked out. More as an "okay we can rest assured that he is a normal three year old boy". But today the phone call came. I couldn't answer because I was in training at work. But I decided to listen to the message as we took a fifteen minute break. I knew who had called. So I played the message. As I sat at the table, my coworkers buzzing around, laughing and joking during the much needed reprieve from our meeting, my world began to spin. The emotions came quick and fierce. And very unexpectedly. The words "developmentally delayed", "social functioning" and "special education" came as hard, dark, heavy words. And the tears that came threatened to spill over the threshold as I clumsily excused myself from the room. In the hallway, quiet sobs accompanied the tears. I had no control over how I was feeling, and I was caught off guard. When Toby and I were still in the hospital after he was born, the nurse came to take him to the nursery for his well-baby check up by the pediatrician on duty. As I sat in the room, waiting, it seemed to be taking forever. So I decided to waddle my way down to the nursery to see what was the delay. The moment I made eye contact with the doctor, I knew something was wrong. He stammered through an awkward introduction and asked me if I planned on having Toby circumcised before we were discharged. I quickly replied, yes. Dr. L. proceeded to mumble a few things I couldn't understand, and said he wanted to show me something. As he unfastened the diaper, he pointed to my tiny son's penis, and said, "see this line here, see how it rotates around to the top here? This is abnormal. I won't be able to circumcise him. You will have to wait until he is nine to ten months, and have a Urologist evaluate him for further complications". The tears came fast that day too. "My son has a de-de-formed penis?" The nurses were very sweet. One brought me a Kleenex and rubbed my back...as she chuckled under her breath. I was absolutely devastated. That day I knew, that no matter what life brought...I would fiercely protect my son. From whatever the broken world had to throw at us, I would be there to hold him, protect him, and love him unconditionally. Oh, I know, it sounds pretty corny...and I can laugh about it now. But there's something about being told that your son is abnormal that touches you deeply, and profoundly. Isn't that what we all hope for? A normal, healthy child? So tonight, as I gracelessly allow my emotions to take over at their every whim, I am reminded of that moment in the hospital on my son's second day of life. And I choose to accept him fully and completely for who he is. I am also fully aware, that things could be so much worse. That maybe I am being a little ridiculous when there are children who have severe Autism, birth defects, cancer. I weep for them too. My heart aches tonight. My mommy heart aches for them, and for my Toby. So, I will pull up my bootstraps (is that how the saying goes?), take a deep breath, and be the best mom I can for my beautiful child. After all, there is no such thing as normal.

And Yet Another New Season.

It's been quite awhile since I've had a good ramble...so I think I'm due. And in good time...I have entered yet another new season in life. Many of you may be unaware that I am going through a divorce. Ouch. I don't enjoy seeing that word. I don't enjoy admitting that's what I'm going through. However, as you all know, I am a very open person. I hope that by sharing the realities that I live through, I can hopefully touch someone that can relate to or understand what I am going through. And if not, it's therapeautic to journal my thoughts. Adjusting to being a single mom, and a single person, has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. I mourn the fact that my children can no longer have mommy and daddy in the same household. I mourn the fact that I couldn't make my marriage work. It hurts. Feels like failure. With that said, I am certain that I am in the place I am supposed to be. Even though it's painful. Even though it's not what I had ever dreamed my life would become. Nevertheless, here I am. A single mom. 32 with 2 beautiful children. Struggling to make ends meet. Yep, that's my life. Through it all, God has been so faithful. Despite my weaknesses, insecurites and sin, He is always faithful. I know that in this season I need to learn to fully depend on Him as my husband, provider, my everything. Which I can honestly say, I never truly have. I went on an amazing retreat this past weekend at Big Sandy Camp in McGregor, MN. It was obvious that God had a purpose for my being there. The message to me was so clear; live in the present moment; be still, and know that He is God. Regardless of my circumstances, I need to live in the present...and allow God to teach me what He wants to teach me through this specific season of life. And no matter how hopeless life may seem, He is in control. AND...He is good. It never ceases to amaze me how amazing our God is. In all of my mess that I have made; He remains faithful. He will not turn His back on me. And He will use this for His glory. Even though it is painful, and lonely, and devastating. My hope is in Christ. He will never let us down. Just reveling in His goodness....and I hope that you all know that you are never too far gone. Our God's mercy and love are neverending. He longs for you to turn to Him. And He is good.

A New Season

Driving home from another refreshing night at The Arts Expressed, I received a fresh revelation.  Well, fresh for me, anyway.  Let me first give you a little of my backstory.  Around the age of 20 is when the Lord recaptured my heart and I made a decision to live my life for Him.  Growing up I had a strong faith in Jesus, but fell away from Him in Junior High and High School.  My mom raised me in a very "charismatic" understanding of Jesus...which is basically believing and living out the Spiritual gifts as talked about in 1 Corinthians.  So as my faith was rekindled...these are the ways I understood God...a very Spirit, faith driven understanding.  As I dove deeper into my study of the Bible I struggled with some of the teachings I had been receiving...and was determined to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  There begins my journey of knowing the Lord through his Word.  And now...12 years later...the Lord is stretching me and showing me that to fully know Him...I mustn't turn my back on one or the other.  Spirit or truth.  In fact, His word tells us to worship in both Spirit and Truth.  I have for the past 12 years spent so much time and energy criticizing and judging churches, pastors, teachers of the Word, etc., out of a passion and zeal to know the Lord, and know the truth.  What is so cool, and hence the revelation tonight, is that God doesn't call us to a negative, critical, judgmental heart in pursuit of Him.  He calls us to worship Him in Spirit and truth.  In the leading of His Spirit, and the knowledge of His word.  It isn't one or the other...in fact they work together!  The jist of it, for me, is that I can't base my understanding of who God is solely on the teaching of those in the church.  Rather, by His Spirit, I can glean the truth and discern what is true by using the Word and His Spirit as my guides.  The fact of the matter is that while we are still in a fallen, broken world, there will be false teaching, intended or not, and it is not my job nor is it in my best interest to put my focus and energy into revealing these false teachings.  Quite the contrary, I shall be led to uphold, seek, and hold fast to the truth by the Holy Spirit.  Wow, God is so good!  And I am so thankful that the Lord has led me to the ministry at The Arts Expressed.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, look up their website.  It is an equipping ministry to learn our God given gifts and learn to glorify Him by using and operating in those gifts.  I have been taking a Parenting a Child's Heart class, which has been a-mazing.  I have been learning God's perspective on raising up my children...and it is sooooo good!  I also have been inspired to tap back into the artistic gifts that I have been given.  It's been so awesome to get that I have these gifts for a reason.  I hadn't picked up a sketch pad in YEARS, I guess I didn't see the point...and now the Lord is teaching me to use art to bless and speak to others.  So, I have entered a new and exciting season in my journey...can't wait to continue to share what He is doing!  Blessings!!!

Ahhhh...A Fresh Perspective

Have you ever heard the old saying 'when it rains it pours'? Well it's raining, and I am dancing with joy in the downpour of blessing God is pouring out on our family. As many of you know, we have been exasperated with our oldest child, Taryn. Parenting her has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. She's extremely strong-willed, stubborn, dramatic and sometimes (who am I kidding, most times) downright rebellious. She's only 4. Sigh. We've tried all sorts of discipline techniques...and nothing has seemed to work. We just want her to listen, say yes ma'am or yes sir and obediently comply with whatever we ask at her at all times. Is that too much to ask? So while we've been struggling and frustrated and discouraged with her, wondering if she has behavioral problems already and how we're going to address them, God has been so faithful to be patient with us, waiting for His perfect timing to give us a new perspective. Perhaps, His perspective. I finally had a breaking point, when I finally cried out to the Lord "HELP us and show us what's right for this child!!" We had been hoping that a sister in Christ, whom we had asked to be our kids' nanny, would make the decision to accept the position. That same day I cried out to God, I asked Him if it was His plan for her to take the job, that He would lay it on her heart...and that she would reach out to us. So that afternoon when my phone beeped with a message and I saw it was her, asking us if we were still interested and she was ready to start, I almost dropped my phone. Definite confirmation. The place the kids were at was great, but I just knew that for our daughter we needed something different with her dynamic personality. The following week I started a class with an amazing woman of God called "Parenting a Child's Heart". All I can say is wow. Perhaps, these traits of my daughter are not an indication that she's the naughtiest kid in the world (which, being completely honest, sometimes I feel that way) but that instead, she is a beautiful, gifted, intelligent child who doesn't fit inside the box I had created of what a 4 year old should be. Perhaps, we are causing ourselves undue frustration. We needed a change of perspective, and I am sooooo thankful that God has surrounded us with some strong allies to help us encourage my daughter's gifts, and equip us as parents to do the same. So I am rejoicing in God's goodness, grace and abundant love....and His fresh perspective.

ARgggmmmfffshhh

Jibberish...pretty much sums up my brain this past month. I have been so busy and caught up in the daily grind of life that by the end of the day, once the kids are asleep, I plop onto the sofa and drift away into...the land of reality television. Yep. I'm not proud of it. But hey, at least I'm honest. So as for the Daniel Fast....I succeeded for one week. I even made refried beans from dried pinto beans and homemade whole wheat tortillas. And I was feeling good. Then I started a second job....and just got busy. I know, excuses, excuses. Sigh. Well I made it a third of the way through. As for my spiritual life....right now it's drier than the Sahara. Not sure why. I've learned by now in my walk with God that there are different seasons...times of such spiritual highs and clarity...and times like this. Sigh. Again. I think part of it has to do with smoking. Yep...started smoking. Again. A few months ago. Nasty little devil it is. Since I know it's not good for me...I sort of hide from God...like if I just ignore Him it'll make it okay. There are 2 problems with this plan: 1. God's love for me is unending and unchanging, regardless of my sin (and some would argue if smoking is a sin. I think it is for me...because I make it an idol...and turn to smoking for comfort, anxiety relief, etc. rather than God. And it destroys the body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit.)
2. I can't hide from God. And in doing so, I'm only hurting myself. He's not shocked that I'm smoking. I'm pretty sure He's waiting, lovingly, and patiently for me to turn to Him and cry out for Him to help me overcome this stronghold. Which presents my biggest problem: I don't really want to stop!!! I like smoking, it's so comforting, and relaxing, and it gives me a 5 minute time out from whatever chaos my day brings. WAAAAAA...WAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, so for seriousness....please PRAY for me about this issue...as silly as it may seem. It is a serious hindrance to me in my relationship with God and it has to go. Period.

On that note....my brother in law, Mark, is a MIRACLE. Well, I mean, technically we are all miracles, but he's a miracle twofold because God reached down and pretty much pulled him from the grave and restored his health and gave him a second chance at life on this earth. Apparently, his job here is not done. The doctors and nurses that have encountered Mark have almost all used the word MIRACLE. So....God is so amazingly faithful and good. I'm so thankful for Mark...love you brother!!

P.S. After that, why am I hiding from God in the cave with my stinky, nasty cigarette embers glowing with every puff? Hmmmm...will ponder.

Humble Pie

I'm posting this in regards to my post titled "Oh, Church". I humbly regret pointing fingers and using specific people to make a point. I, in hindsight, realize that more important is Unity in the body of Christ. I should have confronted people in private...not publicly...and for that I apologize. I have a fierce passion for the truth, and sometimes it noses it's way ahead of something much more important...love. Regardless of my opinions and viewpoints, it was wrong of me to attack. Rather, I should share what God has shown me through his Word in love, and leave it at that without making it personal. To anyone whom I've offended or hurt through my post....I humbly ask for forgiveness. I hope that you know my true desire is for truth, not to cause pain. So I will eat my humble pie....it tastes bitter and sweet all at once.

New Year is Here

Ahhh...another new year. A time that seems suitable for fresh starts, breaking bad habits, and implementing new healthy ones. This year I am attempting the Daniel Fast. I say attempt, because let's face it, I'm not exactly a diehard when it comes to making commitments. I have a serious lack of self-control...and loathing for routines and structure. With that said, I am seeking the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to follow this one through. So basically, the Daniel Fast is based on Daniel 10:2,3. Daniel, in mourning, decided to basically eat no meat or "choice food" and drink no wine for 3 weeks. The idea is to eat only fruit and vegetables and only drink water for 3 weeks. For me, it is a way to cleanse my body from all the processed foods and chemicals that I consume on a daily basis. Also, I hope to focus on Jesus, digging into His word and get back to what is truly important in life.....a relationship with Him...and bringing Him glory. So armed with my supply of vegetables, beans and fruit, and my sword of the Spirit, here we go.....Lord, lead the way!