Gasp!

Okay, so I had a good day today, for the most part. However, uh-hmmm, I did have a few struggles. I had a good hour at work when I see now my patience was being tested. I did not pass the test. I was so irritated and frustrated inside that at one point I actually swore under my breath, the worst thing I could possibly say. If you are a Christian, you probably know what that is. I just feel horrible. So, I just wanted to share my little struggle today, as ugly as it is. But, I have asked for forgiveness and I am standing on the fact that "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". (Romans 8) Lord, I thank you that in my imperfection and sin, you love me and forgive me so lavishly. Not because of anything I could possibly do to earn it, but because you chose to take the full punishment for my sin. How could I possibly thank you? I guess you could say by not using your name in vain, and blessing instead of cursing. I thank you that you extend your extravagant mercies anew each day. I am humbled by your grace and love, and like a little child standing before her daddy and hanging her head, I ask for your forgiveness. Please transform me by your spirit. Amen.

Liberty

I am doing Breaking Free by Beth Moore for the 3rd time. When Stacy told me her church was doing this study I knew that it was time for me to do it again. We are only on the 3rd week of lessons, and already I am so blown away by God's word! I am tired of not walking in the freedom that Christ has for me. I am tired of settling for what the world has to offer instead of the God of the universe. I am ready to walk in liberty! The group I'm in is so awesome. We have really good discussions every week, which is amazing. I actually look forward to Bible Study every week, and it's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I know that I have to take some steps and really begin to commit to a church. And not just commit to going but to be involved. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about that this week. After a couple of instances this week where people encouraged me to go to church and just bring Taryn, I actually did just that. It was scary, I'm not going to lie. Going to church alone with a baby is not easy. But the Lord helped me through. Taryn didn't cry once in the nursery! Now I just need to continue instead of saying, okay, I did it, I'm off the hook! Ahh, I know myself all too well! So these past few weeks have been refreshing and encouraging. I think being in God's word and in fellowship have lifted my spirits tremendously. Over the past few months I have had more than one pretty clear sign that point to God's word. I've been meandering around, wondering why God isn't speaking to me, why I am still in the pit, why I am not seeing victory in my life. And here and there it will strike me like lightning, "Dig into my Word, child". But the crystal clarity of that conviction fades away slowly and right back to the pit I go. It's like Beth Moore says, we are sitting in our prison cells, but the doors are wide open, and have been since we gave our lives to Christ. But we continually choose to stay in our comfortable, miserable prison cells. So, needless to say, this Bible study couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I don't know why it seems so hard to really get into God's word. It seems like such a chore sometimes. And then when I force myself to open it up, it is just that, forced. I want to be so transparent with the Lord. I want to seek Him and read His word, even when I know I've messed up and my life is not pretty. Instead of feeling like, okay, I've been good so He will speak to me today! So ridiculous and such a lie of Satan. Yet that is exactly what I struggle with and it is very real. I think that's why I just choose to stay away from God's word most of the time. I feel like a fraud. When in reality, I have not earned Christ's love or salvation anyway! I just want to have a desire and a passion for God's word. I want to be real and transparent with God, and know his love for me. I'm on my way! Love everyone!