Another Extra Ordinary Day...Still Needing Him

ARgggmmmfffshhh

2012-02-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

Jibberish...pretty much sums up my brain this past month. I have been so busy and caught up in the daily grind of life that by the end of the day, once the kids are asleep, I plop onto the sofa and drift away into...the land of reality television. Yep. I'm not proud of it. But hey, at least I'm honest. So as for the Daniel Fast....I succeeded for one week. I even made refried beans from dried pinto beans and homemade whole wheat tortillas. And I was feeling good. Then I started a second job....and just got busy. I know, excuses, excuses. Sigh. Well I made it a third of the way through. As for my spiritual life....right now it's drier than the Sahara. Not sure why. I've learned by now in my walk with God that there are different seasons...times of such spiritual highs and clarity...and times like this. Sigh. Again. I think part of it has to do with smoking. Yep...started smoking. Again. A few months ago. Nasty little devil it is. Since I know it's not good for me...I sort of hide from God...like if I just ignore Him it'll make it okay. There are 2 problems with this plan: 1. God's love for me is unending and unchanging, regardless of my sin (and some would argue if smoking is a sin. I think it is for me...because I make it an idol...and turn to smoking for comfort, anxiety relief, etc. rather than God. And it destroys the body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit.)
2. I can't hide from God. And in doing so, I'm only hurting myself. He's not shocked that I'm smoking. I'm pretty sure He's waiting, lovingly, and patiently for me to turn to Him and cry out for Him to help me overcome this stronghold. Which presents my biggest problem: I don't really want to stop!!! I like smoking, it's so comforting, and relaxing, and it gives me a 5 minute time out from whatever chaos my day brings. WAAAAAA...WAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, so for seriousness....please PRAY for me about this issue...as silly as it may seem. It is a serious hindrance to me in my relationship with God and it has to go. Period.

On that note....my brother in law, Mark, is a MIRACLE. Well, I mean, technically we are all miracles, but he's a miracle twofold because God reached down and pretty much pulled him from the grave and restored his health and gave him a second chance at life on this earth. Apparently, his job here is not done. The doctors and nurses that have encountered Mark have almost all used the word MIRACLE. So....God is so amazingly faithful and good. I'm so thankful for Mark...love you brother!!

P.S. After that, why am I hiding from God in the cave with my stinky, nasty cigarette embers glowing with every puff? Hmmmm...will ponder.

Humble Pie

2012-01-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this in regards to my post titled "Oh, Church". I humbly regret pointing fingers and using specific people to make a point. I, in hindsight, realize that more important is Unity in the body of Christ. I should have confronted people in private...not publicly...and for that I apologize. I have a fierce passion for the truth, and sometimes it noses it's way ahead of something much more important...love. Regardless of my opinions and viewpoints, it was wrong of me to attack. Rather, I should share what God has shown me through his Word in love, and leave it at that without making it personal. To anyone whom I've offended or hurt through my post....I humbly ask for forgiveness. I hope that you know my true desire is for truth, not to cause pain. So I will eat my humble pie....it tastes bitter and sweet all at once.

New Year is Here

2012-01-01T04:44:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...another new year. A time that seems suitable for fresh starts, breaking bad habits, and implementing new healthy ones. This year I am attempting the Daniel Fast. I say attempt, because let's face it, I'm not exactly a diehard when it comes to making commitments. I have a serious lack of self-control...and loathing for routines and structure. With that said, I am seeking the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to follow this one through. So basically, the Daniel Fast is based on Daniel 10:2,3. Daniel, in mourning, decided to basically eat no meat or "choice food" and drink no wine for 3 weeks. The idea is to eat only fruit and vegetables and only drink water for 3 weeks. For me, it is a way to cleanse my body from all the processed foods and chemicals that I consume on a daily basis. Also, I hope to focus on Jesus, digging into His word and get back to what is truly important in life.....a relationship with Him...and bringing Him glory. So armed with my supply of vegetables, beans and fruit, and my sword of the Spirit, here we go.....Lord, lead the way!

Oh Church

2011-11-07T08:48:00.000-08:00

There has been some controversy about a local church recently. http://www.bringmethenews.com/2011/11/03/pastor-says-controversy-over-the-crossing-church-is-a-misunderstanding/

Here are my thoughts on it. I only share them because it is something dear to my heart...and I only want to seek the truth. I actually posted this on Facebook so I copied it from there, hence the weird format.

I don't think Jesus had to "bribe people with crap" to follow him. For example the rich young ruler:

"Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" (Jesus says) "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.' " And he said to him, "Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth." And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, " You lack one thing; go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.
Seems to me Jesus confronted the man's sin. He didn't jump up and down and market himself so the man would relate to Him and then maybe believe. Nope, sin was the issue. Why are we using sin instead as a way to market and appeal to the masses "get people in the door", then maybe they'll come to know Christ?? And what about John the Baptist, who was sent to prepare the way for Jesus? First of all, the guy was a little weird I'm sure to the rest of society. Since the Bible makes a point to mention that he wore camel's hair and ate locusts and wild honey. Doesn't seem like he was trying to fit in to society to win people to God. And what did he preach? Luke 3: 3 And he (John) went into all the region around the Jordan, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And: Luke 3:7-8 He said therefore to the crowds that came out to be baptized by him, "you brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits in keeping with repentance."
Not saying I know it all by any means...but one thing I do know, the Bible itself tells me to test everything. 1 Thessalonians 5:20 "Do not despise prophesies, but test everything; hold fast what is good." And....1 John 4:1 " Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." And....Galations 1:9 As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed. And....2 Cor 13:5 Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. So I'm just saying that it's not a negative thing to question your pastor and test everything to scripture. The Bible even tells us to test ourselves!
Oh and one more thing, if you're not willing to ever question your church or a pastor let me ask you this: why not? Because of a loyalty to your church or your pastor? Shouldn't our first loyalty be to Christ alone? If you're never willing to test or question because of loyalty then that's a dangerous place to be. Especially when the Bible tells us to test every spirit, warns us against false prophets, and tells us to even examine ourselves to see that we are in the faith. Do we think false prophets don't exist anymore? Or do we think that they'll always be so obvious to us? I don't know, again the Bible tells us to beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. That tells me that false teachers could appear to be a regular, respectable pastor. Not saying that Eric is a false teacher, but I am saying if there are questions arising, it's probably a good time to put things to the test to make sure. And myself included....test what I say....please! I'm just a seeker of the truth, and I've learned that a pastor or a church can't come before Jesus.
And sometimes controversies are a work of Satan, and sometimes they might be the truth coming out. Either way, test everything.

Super Easy...and Yummy Recipe

2011-08-30T04:13:00.000-07:00

Okay so I made this one day when I was at a loss for what to make for dinner. I had the ingredients on hand and voila....yummy super easy supper. It's essentially a fancy version of mac & cheese with hot dogs...with broccoli added. Gotta make sure the kids get their veggies!

1 14-16 oz. box of penne pasta
1 bag of Steamfresh broccoli florets (or fresh broccoli, cooked)
8-12 oz. shredded colby jack cheese (depends on how cheesy you want it..I like lots of cheese)
1/2 stick of real butter
milk - I don't measure...just pour a little at a time until good consistency
1 beef or turkey kielbasa smoked sausage

Cook pasta to al dente. Cook broccoli according to directions. Slice smoked sausage into 1/2 inch slices and saute in a little water until thoroughly heated. Drain pasta. Stir butter into pasta. Add sausage. Stir in cheese...adding milk until cheese is melted and creamy. Stir in broccoli and serve. My hubby absolutely loves this dish...and he's kind of hard to please. Anyway, just thought I'd share. I know I always love a good, easy recipe.

And back to work I go....

2011-08-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

So the plan was not for me to go back to work. I was going to be stay at home mommy...something I've always wanted to be since Taryn was born. After Toby was born I had second thoughts (like I must be out of my mind, and will I ever shower again??)...and apparently so did God. Calvin lost his job when Toby was 2 weeks old. Yikes. How quickly life can change. My first reaction was devastation and of course, fear. What are we going to do now? Haven't we had enough trials these past 3 years???? I think we've grown enough, Lord...how about taking it easy on us for awhile????!! However, the blessings slowly but surely revealed themselves. First, I got mastitis 3 times in a row. If you've ever had it you know it knocks you on your butt. Basically you feel like you have the flu and it's horrible, not to mention the fact that you just had a baby, are absolutely exhausted, and have to function regardless. So how convenient that my wonderful husband, yes again with the cheese factor, was home to help me through it. He got up with Toby every night for almost 2 weeks. Blessing. Bu-lessing! By the way, anyone who nurses their babies for the long haul deserves an award. Not even just an award but maybe an award ceremony like the Emmy's for breastfeeding. I don't know but I couldn't do it. So the plan changed...mommy's going back to work. Which at that point I was secretly excited about. And I think my husband was too. I think he had a picture of me in sweatpants and combing my hair like once a week. Well, at the beginning of my maternity leave, that was pretty much the truth. Anyway, 2 weeks before I'm scheduled to go back he started a new job that he absolutely loves. BLESSING. Except that meant finding daycare. SCARY! And then God brought the most perfect daycare provider I could possibly ask for. She did daycare for one of my coworkers whose girls are grown and also has another coworker's son right now. Perfect. Blessing!!! (I sang it that time in opera voice in case you were wondering.) I have now made it through day 2 of my back to work adventure. It hasn't been easy for sure...I had a few tears after the first daycare drop off. But tonight I have a fresh perspective and just feel so....you guessed it...blessed. And my wonderful daycare mama hooked me up today with a pass to the Just Between Friends presale so I pretty much got fall/winter wardrobe for both kids for $114. Um, best deal ever. K I'm done ranting...for now...but I hope you all experience a little of God's amazing love for you even in the times that seem so difficult. Good night.

I'm Ba-ack!

2011-08-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Whew...it's been awhile eh? Wow has life changed since my last post. Let me give you the low down: We welcomed Toby Braeden Fenn into the world on May 31, 2011. He is a beautiful, healthy baby and at 2 1/2 months is sleeping through the night. Thank God for small victories....actually in this case I'll say it's a big one. Mama likes her sleep. Taryn is 3 1/2 and she is turning into such an amazing little girl. But I'm not going to sugar coat it. Whoever says the twos are terrible are terribly mistaken. The threes, my friends, are in fact much more terrible. With that said, when Taryn isn't being terrible she makes me laugh and I feel such a sense of pride when I look at her (cheesy as that may sound). There have been a couple of hairy moments since bringing her brother home.....like when my husband came out of the bathroom to find her choking him. Is that normal by the way? So she's tried to kill him already...God willing she will not succeed. Let's just say going to the bathroom these days is not what it used to be. So, now that you're all caught up.....I have to share my latest grocery shopping victory. At Cub yesterday I spent $90 and saved $64....but I actually saved much more than that because they don't add the savings from sales into the total you saved on the receipt (which is maddening) and every item I bought was on sale in addition to the coupons. They only calculate the store and manufacturer coupons into the total saved. So, for example, the certain General Mills cereals were on sale for $1.99. That is a savings in and of itself of $1.76 a box. I had 8 $.50 off coupons which brings it to $1.49 a box.....which is a savings of $2.26 per box. So it drives me crazy that they don't add the $1.76 into the total saved because I feel like the receipt is the official result. Oh well...it was still a good deal. So according to the receipt I saved 42%...which is fabulous. I'm not quite to the extreme couponing level yet but I'm working on it. My theory is I can't feed my family with 200 tubes of toothpaste and 50 bottles of hot sauce anyway. Have you ever watched that show on TLC about extreme couponers? Awesome that they can get $1000 worth of stuff for $12.50 or whatever but let's be realistic about it people! I don't have 40 hours a week to dedicate to coupons. And the things they buy sometimes are ridiculous. So I like to think of myself as a practical couponer. I will share my grocery list going forward...if anyone is interested. Well, gotta go for now. Taryn is being very quiet and when I asked her what she's doing she replied, "I'm not doin' nuffin'". Oh she's doing something.

Toooooooooo Loooooooooong

2010-03-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Wasssupppp all my peeps in bloggerland? It's been awhile since I've keyed my random thoughts in cyber space and I figured I'm due for a good ramble, eh? So lots has changed in my life since my last post. Without going into details...I will say that the Lord has worked in miraculous ways in my life this past year and I am so thankful and amazed!!!! And I am not exaggerating...God's faithfulness is so awesome even in my faithlessness and doubt He has blessed me above and beyond what I thought was possible. Sadly, I still forget to chew on the wonderful things He's done in my life and when I do I'm blown away. It's funny, because we're totally struggling financially right now...but are in a place spiritually as a family that we've never been...in a good way. So there's definitely a parallel in my life right now...worldly struggles and spiritual victories. At times I find myself fretting and worrying and wondering how we'll make it through, but when I pause to reflect I'm like, wait a minute...WE ARE SO BLESSED!! And quite honestly in the ways that matter so much more. I'm in a way different place then I was a year ago. I am finally, after some well needed kick in the butt conviction at the Deeper Still conference, beginning to plug in at The Quarry and am loving it. I know for sure that I need fellowship on a regular basis to really grow in my faith, and I'm thankful to have found a place to do that. Too bad it just took three years of randomly showing up to finally actually get to know people and get connected but hey, what can I say? Better now than never, right? So I'm just battling my way through life like always...enjoying the victories...dwelling too much on the trials...but the moral of the story is...God is faithful and always has been. I constantly remind myself that this life is only a glimpse, a poof, in contrast to eternity and to God's plans. He is sovereign...in times of victory and times of trial. So I pray to have an eternal perspective...which is so much better anyway...a worldly perspective will drive you crazy! Taryn is two!!!! I cannot even fathom how that happened. She's talking more and more everyday and everytime she grasps a new concept or puts a new sentence together I am filled with awe and joy and laughter....well and sometimes internal screams of frustration...but whatever, that's normal, right? She is singing her ABCs and can count to ten on her own so of course she is the most intelligent child to ever be born. :) Well I think we're caught up....and it's time for me to hit the hay...love to all!

2009-06-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

And Pilate again said to them, "Then what shall I do with the man you call the King of the Jews?" And they cried out again, "Crucify him." And Pilate said to them, "Why, what evil has he done?" But they shouted all the more, "Crucify him." So Pilate, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barabbas, and having scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified. Mark 15:45-15

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

The Mighty One, God the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to its setting. Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth. Psalm 50:1-2

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 25: 4-5

2009-04-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

This has been a pretty rough week for me. I'm going through some pretty difficult stuff right now. Through it all, I'm realizing that I need to shift my focus from man to God. I cannot fear man, I need to fear the Lord. I really struggle when someone thinks badly of me in any way. It crushes me like a ton of bricks. Basically, I let the opinions of others control me more often then I'd like to admit. I'm reading a book right now (thanks to my sis, Jenny) called When People are Big and God is Small. It's about codependency and the fear of man. It has been very eye opening to me, and I believe I have opened its covers at just the right time. So I am going to be strong, and stand on God's word, and follow His leading. That is the only way. It gets exhausting trying to please everyone all the time. I'm at a point in my life right now where I could take two very different paths. One is a little easier in the sense that worldly things would be steady and seem to work out. The other path is much harder. It requires constant faith, constant trusting in God and His provision and His kingdom. It takes me to the unknown, and it scares me. I'm choosing the harder path, and I believe no matter how much I struggle through it, in the end it is the right path, and I'm praying that God would be glorified. So any prayer would be readily accepted. Just wanted to share where I'm at....love ya'll!

2009-03-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests me made known to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

LOVE this scripture! And desperately need to cling to its truth. I have been struggling lately just with anxiety about different things and just straight up sadness. Good to remember the Lord is near and His peace transcends all understanding.

2009-03-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but the interests of others." Phillipians 2:3-4

This is really really hard to do. In your own power that is. I have been praying this week for the Lord to transform me and live out this truth in my life. I love the remainder of this passage:

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. " Phillipians 2:5-8

Just such a sobering reminder that not even Christ counted himself as equal with God, being himself God, and made himself nothing.....humbling himself to the point of death on a cross! The most humiliating death, the death of a criminal, our Lord, our Creator died for us. So when my pride acts up this is what I need to remember! I need to be obedient to the Lord, I need to count others as more significant than myself, and humble myself. That's what I'm focusing on this week. Love to all!!!

Bible Verse Time

2009-03-03T14:34:00.000-08:00

And I am a little late! Here it is....

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:10-12

I should really try to memorize that whole passage because it is soooo important. I especially appreciate the part that says we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. It really puts it into perspective for me especially when I'm struggling to forgive someone. It helps me to realize that satan is the real enemy. And then it motivates me to pray for the person I'm struggling in relationship with and pray against the enemy, instead of closing myself off to that person or becoming bitter. Oh trust me, I have my fair share of that too. But this scripture reminds me that my struggle is with no person, but with the enemy of our souls. I am also really encouraged by the first verse; "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might." Just by reading that a boldness rises up in me. God is so mighty, and he wants us to be strengthened in his might. I sometimes picture the lion in the Lion Witch and the Wardrobe. I love that picture of a Lion, so mighty, almost terrifying, but so loving and just at the same time. Awesome!
Love to all!

Emotional Randoms

2009-02-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

I've just had one of those days when random emotions sweep over me throughout the day. Deep sadness was one of them. It makes me so sad that so many people struggle so much with deep-rooted insecurity. Myself being one of them. Insecurity is such an ugly thing. It is absolutely vital that we realize that our worth cannot be based on our actions, or our performance, or our looks, or our acceptance by others. Our worth is in Christ alone. This is something that I need to truly learn to accept. I constantly second guess myself and beat myself up all day long because of stupid things! I allow condemnation and guilt define me. Ridiculous, I'm tired of it!!! There is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST JESUS!! (Romans 8 I think) I also had a wave of almost tears just hearing about a daughter and a father having a conversation. Her dad has struggled with alcoholism his entire life and has been sober now for almost a year I think. She said since he gave up drinking he's started eating more sweets and drinking Mountain Dew. He went to the dentist this week who discovered he has 8 cavities. Well, her dad was telling her this and beating himself up for it and fretting about the cost of getting all the cavities filled and literally beating himself up for getting all of these cavities. She just looked at him and told him that she is so proud of him and she will pay for every single one of his cavities because this is so much better than when he was drinking. Just that picture of a daughter telling her dad she's proud of him and its okay to have some stupid cavities because him being present is so much more important than his dental hygiene. I don't know, I've just had one of those days where I realized how broken and screwed up and hurting we all are. All of us. Every single one is a complete mess. And Christ took our sin upon himself, LITERALLY on the cross so that we could be saved. Jesus is so awesome, dude! I just love Him. I just wish more people would realize how much He loves them.

Love

2009-02-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I have a new memory verse. Are you ready?

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

I constantly walk around doubting God's love for me. It is so difficult to comprehend a God as merciful, yet righteous and just, that could love me more than any human ever will. But I need to bank on that love. I need to grab it and lock it inside of myself and KNOW His love for me. Otherwise life just beats me up pretty good and the enemy gets the best of me. So thank you, Jesus, for loving lil ol imperfect, messed up me.

Memory Verse

2009-02-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know it's been quite awhile. My apologies. When you're chasing an 11 month old all over the place you don't get a whole lot of time to yourself. So, excuses aside, Stacy has guilted me into memorizing scripture. (Just kidding, Stace, encouraged is a better word). So my first choice is........

"Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake, I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him.." Phil 3:8,9.

Oh to truly count everything else as rubbish and only find value in Christ. What peace this would bring, what pure joy. I am currently suffering some loss in my life right now, not necessarily for His sake, but it is loss none the less. I pray that through this I would gain Christ more and more.

You're a Mean One...

2008-12-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

Mr. Grinch! So I watched the Grinch who stole Christmas this weekend, and this may be a little far fetched, but I could actually relate. The Whos in Whoville were getting so wrapped up in the perfect Christmas presents and outdoing the neighbors with their decorations. I, for one, have been very enticed by the stuff that Christmas brings. I have spent way too much money, and the thought of spending a couple of hours at Target gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I just need to re-focus on what Christ-mas is all about! I was thinking about it and I might try it one year...if I can convince the family...what if instead of spending all our time and energy on shopping and decorating, we spent the season serving and blessing those in need? No presents allowed. Wouldn't that be kind of cool? I'm sure the kids would throw a fit...but wouldn't it be a good reminder that the reason we celebrate this time of year is because our Almighty God showed up one night in the form of a helpless babe. Just a thought. More for myself than anything because this year I am seriously entwined in the world's version of Christmas. Other than that, things are good! Taryn is so amazing my heart just swells with love for her! Her little personality is blossoming..and let me tell ya, she can already be a little stinker! But a pretty darn cute one. I am so excited for my sister to have a baby boy in April! This will be the first boy in our family for 10 years now! I just know that God purposely wanted to bless them abundantly with the gift of a son. How awesome. Well, ta ta for now!!

Love,
Jo

Home

2008-11-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

I have been praying that God would make a way for me to stay home full time with Taryn. It seems, however, there are obstacles that keep popping up. So I wonder, does that mean it isn't God's will for me to stay home, or is the enemy at work? I struggle with the whole idea of God's will. Is it wrong for me to ask that I could stay home with my daughter instead of work outside the home? Honestly, I don't think it is, because my husband and I want what is best for Taryn and ultimately, our family. My mom is retired and watches her, but I feel like it really wears her out. I do only work three days a week, which is a huge blessing in and of itself. I just want to be sure of my motives. Am I working just so we can have those few extra luxuries that we otherwise wouldn't? I can see so many benefits to our family if I stayed home. Taryn, for one, would have her mama home every day. I know it would take a load off of Calvin, too. He picks her up on the days I work and takes care of her until I get home, and cooks dinner because I get home late. Which, with being in school full time can be a lot. We are definitely willing to make sacrifices financially to make this happen, but I don't think we could make it quite yet. So, I am going to continue to seek the Lord, and ask for His guidance. At some point, I may just have to take a leap of faith. I just want to make sure it is Him asking for the leap. I know this is a big issue for every family. Once you have children, your whole world changes. A few decades ago, the women as a majority, stayed home. Now, the norm is for women to be breadwinners right along with their hubbies. I can't help but wonder, is this the absolute best? What if we lowered our lifestyle expectations and went without two vehicles or lived in an apartment so mom could stay home with the children? Kind of a radical viewpoint for this generation. Not to get all old school on everybody! Well, enjoy your polical campaign ad -free days ahead!

Gasp!

2008-10-22T20:22:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I had a good day today, for the most part. However, uh-hmmm, I did have a few struggles. I had a good hour at work when I see now my patience was being tested. I did not pass the test. I was so irritated and frustrated inside that at one point I actually swore under my breath, the worst thing I could possibly say. If you are a Christian, you probably know what that is. I just feel horrible. So, I just wanted to share my little struggle today, as ugly as it is. But, I have asked for forgiveness and I am standing on the fact that "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". (Romans 8) Lord, I thank you that in my imperfection and sin, you love me and forgive me so lavishly. Not because of anything I could possibly do to earn it, but because you chose to take the full punishment for my sin. How could I possibly thank you? I guess you could say by not using your name in vain, and blessing instead of cursing. I thank you that you extend your extravagant mercies anew each day. I am humbled by your grace and love, and like a little child standing before her daddy and hanging her head, I ask for your forgiveness. Please transform me by your spirit. Amen.

Liberty

2008-10-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am doing Breaking Free by Beth Moore for the 3rd time. When Stacy told me her church was doing this study I knew that it was time for me to do it again. We are only on the 3rd week of lessons, and already I am so blown away by God's word! I am tired of not walking in the freedom that Christ has for me. I am tired of settling for what the world has to offer instead of the God of the universe. I am ready to walk in liberty! The group I'm in is so awesome. We have really good discussions every week, which is amazing. I actually look forward to Bible Study every week, and it's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I know that I have to take some steps and really begin to commit to a church. And not just commit to going but to be involved. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about that this week. After a couple of instances this week where people encouraged me to go to church and just bring Taryn, I actually did just that. It was scary, I'm not going to lie. Going to church alone with a baby is not easy. But the Lord helped me through. Taryn didn't cry once in the nursery! Now I just need to continue instead of saying, okay, I did it, I'm off the hook! Ahh, I know myself all too well! So these past few weeks have been refreshing and encouraging. I think being in God's word and in fellowship have lifted my spirits tremendously. Over the past few months I have had more than one pretty clear sign that point to God's word. I've been meandering around, wondering why God isn't speaking to me, why I am still in the pit, why I am not seeing victory in my life. And here and there it will strike me like lightning, "Dig into my Word, child". But the crystal clarity of that conviction fades away slowly and right back to the pit I go. It's like Beth Moore says, we are sitting in our prison cells, but the doors are wide open, and have been since we gave our lives to Christ. But we continually choose to stay in our comfortable, miserable prison cells. So, needless to say, this Bible study couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I don't know why it seems so hard to really get into God's word. It seems like such a chore sometimes. And then when I force myself to open it up, it is just that, forced. I want to be so transparent with the Lord. I want to seek Him and read His word, even when I know I've messed up and my life is not pretty. Instead of feeling like, okay, I've been good so He will speak to me today! So ridiculous and such a lie of Satan. Yet that is exactly what I struggle with and it is very real. I think that's why I just choose to stay away from God's word most of the time. I feel like a fraud. When in reality, I have not earned Christ's love or salvation anyway! I just want to have a desire and a passion for God's word. I want to be real and transparent with God, and know his love for me. I'm on my way! Love everyone!

He-llooooooooooo!

2008-09-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

How is everyone out there? So I'm finding out that The Shack is a pretty controversial book! First, may I say that this is indeed a fiction book. It is not fact. It is chunks of truth and theological issues peppered into someone's imaginary account of a face to face meeting with God. So I don't think we can take every detail of the author's descriptions of God literally. Number one, it is his imagination, or at best, his best guess. I don't think they harm God's truth. I think it is a beautiful picture of God's love for His children. It's like every other book I read, I don't necessarily agree with every single point that is made, but if I benefit from the major theme and points in the book then I take those with me. I think the author of this book has an intensely creative imagination, and an incredible knowledge of our Lord, and he married the two in this amazing piece of fiction. This book is very focused on God's grace. It is not perfect, it is not the Bible! Something that I think God has been teaching me lately is how judgemental I am. Reading this book just confirmed that for me. We as Christians think we know the perfect way, that our understanding of truth is exactly right and all the others have it wrong. What I am realizing is that this is very self righteous. Did the Lord intend for us as a body to be divided? We certainly are. Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, Evangelicals, Pentecostals, Methodists, etc. Each denomination has it just right! What is the point? Christ!! We are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ. Granted, yes we are called to seek the truth, absolutely. But if we don't agree on these 'secondary' issues, can we just humble ourselves and love our brothers anyway? What if we all did church together? I have been so convicted of my own arrogance as of late, and I am seeing how rampant it is in the body of Christ. I think we have it all wrong. Let's stop focusing on our man-made rules and traditions and focus on Christ. Let's learn from his example. We're human, of course we are going to have disagreements and interpret things differently, and that's okay...to a point. When someone is twisting God's word we absolutely must seek the truth and speak it. When it divides us completely, then it is a problem. The body is trying to operate and there's a foot detached over there because it disagrees with the leg on a non-essential issue! My point is, as believers, we are supposed to be one. We are supposed to fix our eyes on Jesus, together. So that is my rant for the day. Enjoy! Please feel free to agree, disagree or share your thoughts on this matter. On a lighter note, Taryn cut her first tooth this week! We thought she was getting a cold because she had a little fever, wasn't sleeping at night and had a runny nose but were surprised to find out her first pearly white was making its grand entrance into the world! Also, just so everyone knows, Stacy Minor is now 40! Love to all!!!

The Shack

2008-09-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young, as recommended by Stacy. I am blown away. If you have not read it, read it now! It is a mindblowing work of fiction that is so inspiring and boundary erasing. I don't want to give anything away. Let's just say that although it is fiction, you will walk away, either with a changed perspective of who God is, or at least questioning who you perceive Him to be. It is so simple, yet so complex. God's love for us is so deep and so infinite that we cannot even comprehend it. I know that I tend to run from it, and hide from it because I don't deserve it. Which is almost laughable after reading this. It makes me wonder how on earth did I make everything so complicated? He loves me. He loves me, and you and every one of his children in a capacity that goes beyond our understanding as humans. The closest illustration is how we love our own children, good or bad, naughty or nice. I'm just so inspired. I want to be in a close relationship with Him. Let go of the guilt and just be, and live in His love. And let His love pour out to all those around me. The book also gives an amazing illustration of the trinity. It's just cool. Read it now!!! You won't be disappointed!

Beautiful Day!!

2008-09-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

Is anybody in love with this weather?!!! I LOVE it, it has been so beautiful this week. There is nothing like the fresh, cool fall air to lift your spirits! Its so weird, but every season comes at the perfect time. I'm so ready for fall. Well, more to come later, crying baby to tend to!

Still Kickin!

2008-08-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile so I thought I'd pop in and say hello! Time just flies by so fast! Taryn will be 6 months old on the 29th already. I can't even believe it. She's growing so fast and her little personality comes out a little more every day. She loves to smile and giggle and she is so curious about everything. I absolutely adore her! Calvin started his new job a few weeks ago and is liking it which is a huge blessing! I've had some changes in my job, I was originally going to work at the Monticello branch that is opening in October and just recently decided to stay at the Big Lake branch. There are a few reasons, but mostly it will work out better for me with my 3 day a week schedule. Working part-time with a daughter now, my family is priority and I just think it would have been a little too intense for me at Monticello. So that is a relief! It is so awesome that I can work 3 days a week and that I have a mom and sister willing to take care of Taryn rather than a stranger. I haven't been to church in like 2 months! I need to stop being a chicken and just take Taryn with me. Other than that, I'm just taking life day by day. Asking the Lord for guidance and transformation. I still know that I need to be plugged in to the body. Hope all is well with everyone, I will be posting some new pictures soon!

The Race

2008-07-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

"Let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12: 1,2. I have been pondering this verse lately. I have it taped on my mirror so every morning I am reminded. It seems to sum up life so perfectly. It is a race. Throw off the crap that entangles you and holds you back, just fix your eyes on Jesus. He endured the cross, and now is seated at the right hand of God. Seems like a good reason to push through it all. The pain, the sin, the emptiness, everything. We will not be seated at the right hand of God, which is the highest honor. But we will be in the same house. That in and of itself is pretty amazing. "Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1Cor. 9:24-27 These scriptures inspire me incredibly. Life is not just a random sequence of events that we float through. There is a purpose. There is an end. There is a prize. Run the race. Train yourself. Live intentionally. Fix your eyes on Jesus. I am so encouraged tonight and inspired and in awe of God's word. I have been reading Andrew Prest's blog and it is soooo inspiring, and moving. Him and his wife Janet went to Woodland. He is not only writing about his life training, but also he is literally in training physically. The parallels are astounding. So the word of the day is inspiration. How often do you run aimlessly or beat the air? I know I do more than not. But God's love and grace are so extravagant, and it never changes. Fix your eyes on Jesus, friends. Run the race with perserverance. Taryn is doing amazing as usual. Jacci and Zach (did I spell it right this time?) came over Saturday and let Calvin and I go out for a much needed date night. We went to dinner and saw a movie. It was nice to be out with him. Then we came home and played Upwords and talked until 2am. It was such a fun day. I'm falling more and more in love with my daughter, if that is possible. Every moment I look at her I just want to will her my love. I want her know how much I love and cherish her. She is so beautiful. I am realizing that I must not let the little things go by unnoticed. Even feeding her, the sleepy eye rolls and yanking on my fingers and my watch are so prescious. It's amazing. She is such a happy baby, too. The only time she isn't content is when she's tired or hungry. What a blessing. She will be 5 months on Tuesday. It goes so fast. Calvin is starting his new job on Tuesday. I pray that he will enjoy it and be challenged. He is doing awesome in school, too. He has made it on the dean's list twice now. He works so hard, I am so proud of him. Well, love to all!

2008-07-13T20:39:00.001-07:00

I was just reminiscing about my times with TimberBay. I just went on the web site and memories flooded my mind. I can't help but get emotional. It was one of the scariest and most exciting times in my life. God had yanked me right out of pretty much every comfort zone I ever had to be apart of this amazing ministry. I remember realizing that is exactly where I wanted to be, completely out of my comfort zone. That's how I knew God was doing the work. I miss the kids, I miss Paul, the director who was like a dad to me. Wow. I remember my first night at camp. I was so terrified and nerve-wracked that I actually got sick, laying in my top bunk because I was too chicken to assert myself with the often times intimidating teenage girls. I laugh about that now. God was really using me there. And not just for the girls, but He was showing me so much. I miss it. I really do. It was a part of my life I will always cherish. It was the first time that I got off of my butt, stopped being lazy, stepped out of myself and really listened to the Lord. It was amazing.

Ah Ha!!

2008-07-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

So last night I decided to blow the dust off the Bible and settle in for a little God and I time and I am so glad I did. I opened up to 1 Corinthians 13 - the famous love chapter. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." And then it says, "Love never ends." In the moment that I read those three little words my whole perspective was changed. I had been reading this passage and thinking about love in general and how I am to love others. But this time God gave me an "ah ha" moment that was so amazing and exciting it bubbles up in me right now! In 1 John it says "God is love." Love never ends. God's love for me never ends!! God never ends, and His love never ends. His love "bears all things" and "endures all things" that I put it through. I just wanted to share how Jesus touched my heart so deeply. Isn't that so incredible that our Lord's love never ends?

To Live, or Not to Live...

2008-07-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well I have been in a bit of a slump lately. Back to TVland, yuck. I gotta say I am so tired of just letting my life pass me by. I realized yesterday, I need to choose to live. Everyday. Rather than just letting my feelings steer the boat, I need to take the wheel back! Living victoriously in Christ is a choice. I can choose to wake up, mumble a half-hearted prayer and stumble through my day. Or, I can choose to wake up, seek Christ, spend time in the word, and live. Does that make sense? I go a couple of days without reading the word and truly spending time seeking the Lord and then I'm like, oh, God is probably mad or disappointed in me so I'll just ignore the voice inside me that urges me to open the word. So wrong!!! I don't know why I make things so difficult. I get in the way of myself so often. And I also forget that Satan roams the earth looking for his next victim to devour and deceive. As you can probably tell from my blog, I'm on a roller coaster. One day I'm up, and the next I'm down. Yuck. I don't want to whine, just letting ya'll know where I'm at. Struggling as usual! I know deep down that a big part that is missing is fellowship. I'm a lone elbow, living apart from the body, so I'm not so effective. I don't know why I'm so scared to just dive in and get involved in the church. And I know myself, always making excuses. Some encouragement please!!! I went dress shopping with my beautiful friend Jacci today, and she found "the one". I am so excited for her! She is so beautiful inside and out and God has truly blessed her with Zac. They are an amazing couple. Even her engagement ring and proposal are witnessing tools for God's kingdom. So awesome. Congrats guys! Well, that's all for today. Isn't my munchkin cute?!

Hello, hello!

2008-06-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

It has been too long since I have posted! Not much happening here except the amazing growth of my beautiful baby girl! She has gotten so big I can bareley remember what she was like when she was first born. They aren't lying when they say they grow up fast. (I'm not sure who they are, but they are still right!) She is a chunky monkey now and is getting really strong. She talks her gurgly baby talk almost constantly now. Her little shrieks and yelps are so loud and so adorable. Calvin can get her laughing really good, too. He is so good with her. It's funny because I know he was excited for her to be born, not nearly as excited as me, but once he laid eyes on her he was done. He his truly in love with his little girl. I can't even describe how much I love her. Even the thought of harm coming her way brings tears to my eyes as we speak. The desire to protect her is overwhelming. It's so weird how becoming a parent changes you. Oh, big news, Taryn has been sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks! I mean 9-10 hours a night. Thank you Jesus! I'm not good with sleep deprivation, so this has been a huge blessing. So as I'm writing this Calvin is picking up his brother from the airport. His mom is moving back to Montana tomorrow. I can't help but be excited, but part of me is a little sad. I'm disappointed in the way I handled her time here. It could have been an opportunity to witness to and serve her. I'm pretty sure it was neither. Anyone who is willing, please pray for her. Pray for her faith and that she will truly understand the gift of salvation in Christ. While you're at it, you could pray for my hubby too! Well that's about all for now. Nothing too exciting. Love to all!!

To Deny

2008-06-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

I've been asking the Lord what it looks like for me to deny myself and take up my cross daily. I've been praying for Him to show me how to do this each day before I go to work. Let me tell you it is painful. The first morning that I prayed about this I felt so good and sure that I was going to do Jesus proud. Little did I know the first test was before I even got out of bed! Right when I was going to get in the shower, I heard my mother in law start the shower downstairs. My praise Jesus attitude flew out the window. I was infuriated. I know it seems silly, but I am on a tight schedule in the morning, and she didn't have to start work until an hour after me. I was so mad. I had a moment of, okay think about what you've been praying for. Deny yourself, Jolene. But that thought was fleeting. I immediately called my husband to vent. Then when I heard she was done, I stomped downstairs and hollered "are you done in the shower?! Because I need to get in there!!" Just to make sure she knew I was extremely irritated. (To tell you the truth I get a little irritated just typing this! Ridiculous.) Anyway, after I showered and was ready for the day, I realized it really wasn't that big of a deal. And looking at it from a calmer perspective I realized that even if it was a big deal, I was not called to get angry and get even, I was called to forgive and DENY myself. I certainly did not do a good job that morning for sure. But I was thankful at how quickly the Lord showed me an example. So I'm camping on these verses, hopefully indefinitely. It is so the opposite of my natural being. I immediately want to defend myself and not allow myself to be wronged by anyone. But I think about Jesus dragging that heavy cross strapped to his wounded back on the way to his horrible death and it helps to put things in perspective. I absolutely love how God's ways are the opposite of the world's. Anyway, have a good week!

Jolene

Another Day

2008-06-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. I've been struggling a little this past week. I don't know why its so hard to get into the Word sometimes. It's like picking up a cement block. I know I just need to do it anyway, even if I don't feel like it. I think I need to really get involved in a church. I've been going to The Quarry off and on for almost two years and I still feel like an outsider. I don't want to be just a Sunday attender. But it is so hard for me to go beyond that. I need to let go of my last church. I think I'm still mourning the loss of it. I'm definitely realizing how difficult it is to live outside of fellowship. I miss the encouragement, shoulders to cry on, challenge, accountability, prayer partners, and just focusing on others rather than myself. I want to go deeper, but I gotta say I'm scared. Getting to know people and vice versa scares the crap out of me. I feel so socially retarded sometimes its embarrassing. But I know I just need to push past it. Not to be a Daisy Downer but that's how I'm feeling. I watched the movie P.S. I Love You last night (bawl-fest 2008) and it just reminded me of how fleeting life is. It is so important to make every moment count. It also made me think of Taryn and just the desires of my heart for her. I hope that she will not live in fear. That she will not ever be afraid to speak. That she will embrace Christ and live for Him. That she will be comfortable with who she is. That she will not settle for a man who doesn't adore her and vice versa. That she will fight for what she believes in. That she will not struggle with depression. That she will look beyond what the world has to offer. That she will be genuinely happy. Well, that's all for tonight.

Power

2008-05-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

There is something about severe weather that reminds me of the absolute power of God. He is bigger than all the eye can see. I am reminded of a couple years ago when the tornado hit my sister's house and she called me in hysterics, needing a place to go for the night. Miraculously no one was killed or injured, although Kayla had a close call. I don't know, I guess I just forget how awesome our God is, I mean awe - some. I stand in awe of Him today. Hope all made it safely through the storm.

Hmmmm....

2008-05-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been reading through 1 Corinthians and there's a verse that has been bothering me. "just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many that they may be saved." (Ch. 10 vs.33) The NIV reads: "even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved." Reflecting on my life and my actions I am appalled. It seems that I have it all turned around because I am trying to please myself in most things and seeking my own good most of the time. Really. I am living in complete selfishness. At home: I try so hard to control everything my husband does so I can be happy, because if he does something I don't like, I become miserable. Therefore, I am quite sure this makes him miserable. It's all about me. What I want, how I want to spend, what I want to do, and how I want to do it. I am absolutely horrible to my mother-in-law, who is running back to Montana as fast as she can. This could have been an opportunity to grow close with her and share Christ with her. Instead it became: she doesn't cook right, she doesn't clean the way I like to, she talks too much when I want to be left alone, therefore there is now practically no relationship. I'm a selfish drill-sergeant. At work: I may get annoyed with certain customers. I may get annoyed with co-workers. I complain. These are just a few examples of my selfishness, but this just points to the fact that my whole walk is self-centered. Christ suffered and died a horrific death, while I WAS STILL A SINNER so I could be saved. Not because I earned it. Not because I was good enough and didn't annoy him too much. He poured out everything he was and had for the sake of others so that they may be saved. Can I live this way? Truly live this out? Can I forgive the unforgiveable? Can I pour out my life for others? Even the "unlikeable"? Wow. I am really pondering this and praying for Christ's transformation.

Love,
Jolene

This is the Day the Lord Has Made

2008-05-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

What a day! I stuck to my one hour of TV (American Idol, heellllooo!)and it made such a huge difference in my outlook. I actually started my day reading the Word! Wow. It was pretty cool. I took Charlie for a walk and enjoyed the beauty of a spring dusk. Nothing like some fresh air. I love the smell of freshly cut grass...invigorating! Then after Taryn's bath I held her in my arms and prayed over her as I rocked her. Such a tender moment and I can't help but wonder how many of these I'm missing because I'm too enthralled in the boob tube! Anyway, it was a good day. I just pray that I continue to keep the TV shut off. Maybe I could challenge someone else to try it also. Or maybe I'm the only loser who has this problem. Oh well. Love to all!!!

TV...My Drug of Choice

2008-05-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of those days that I get out of bed, change and feed the baby, and plop in front of my good old reliable television. I call it a lazy day. Except I seem to have a lot of those days when I don't have to work and my housework is done. Of course now I have a child to take care of and play with, I just do it in front of the TV. I become mesmerised by the drama that unfolds before me, no matter how trashy or ridiculous. Yes that's right. I'm one of those people that comes home from work, makes dinner, and sits in front of the TV until I go to bed. That's kind of embarrassing to admit. I wonder how many hours of my life have been wasted on this. So today I realized, as I sat on the edge of my recliner engrossed in Dr. Phil, that TV is my drug of choice. I am addicted to TV. Wow. That's a little sad. I wonder how many other people struggle with this, or just think its a normal way of life? Yuck. Watching TV is like checking out of life. Its mind numbing. I especially don't want to pass this down to my daughter. I think I'll start with a limit. One hour a day. It'll be tough, but I need to stop wasting my time. Let's see what happens! Anyway, my beautiful baby Taryn is really engaging socially now. She loves to smile and giggle, and she talks her gurgly baby talk. It's amazing to watch her change. I love to watch Calvin with her. He is so in love with his little girl. God is so good to us.

Refreshed

2008-04-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

My lovely friend Jacci brought me to the Casting Crowns concert for my birthday Saturday. It was sooooooooooo awesome. I walked away inspired, refreshed and in awe of Jesus. The title of the concert and the song The Altar and the Door so perfectly describes my walk over these past few years. Here are the words to the song:

Careless, I am reckless - I'm a wrong way travelin slowly unraveling shell of a man-
Burnt out, I'm so numb now - That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart-
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life - Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I ...Cry, like so many times before - But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through - Between the altar and the door -
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white - How could I ever falter, what you've shown me to be right - I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard - just let you be who you are lord who you are in me - Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard.

It's so nice to know that I am not the only one who does this. I feel like I've been living a cycle. I decide to just do everything on my own, subconsciously of course. All of a sudden I'll realize what a mess I am and run to the Lord sobbing for my faithlessness and failure to glorify or even seek Him. In those moments His word becomes alive and I wonder how I could ever possibly fade away from Him. The truth is so clear and the peace floods my heart. But somehow slowly I find myself consumed by the world again confused as to why I feel so down and so anxious. Reading His word becomes a chore that I make excuses to avoid, afterall, I've read it so many times before. And the cycle begins again - usually some amount of pain or desperation brings me back to His altar, proclaiming this time I'll get it right. Then the trying so hard plays in. I forget to just let Him be and trust Him, and I begin to try and "be good", which fails miserably and sucks up all of my energy because of course I've forgotten to just simply abide in Him and allow Him to shine though me. And the cycle begins again. So the question is, how does one live victoriously at His altar, so to speak? I plan to dig in to His word and begin refuting the lies I've been allowing to deceive me. I will live victoriously in Christ, but it's time to stop all complacency. I feel like I have been babbling.

Love,

Jolene

Desperate as usual

2008-04-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have experienced the intimate fellowship I once shared with Jesus. I believe one decision I made a few years back started the gradual separation between my Lord and I. I've had glimpses of that closeness since then but nothing like it used to be. I am so tired of believing the lie that He has stopped loving me. My mind logically knows that can't be true. It is completely contrary to His word and who He is. But deep down I know that the canyon looming between us is the absolute doubt of His love for me. I have decided that I am tired of living in defeat. I am tired of living my life on the basis of lies. I am tired of believing that I don't deserve the love and relationship of Jesus when nobody deserves it. When I think that I have to earn His love I have become prideful in rejecting the free gift of salvation in Christ. I am tired of being distracted by and submersed in the ways of the world. I am tired of my pity party that I throw for myself every day because I am so down I can barely look up. The cure has been right here all along and its time that I take it. So here I go on my journey of restoration, renewed hope, and re-discovery. I cannot be lukewarm any longer. The urgency to restore my relationship with Christ almost scares me. I want to read His word with passion and excitement. I want to speak with Him daily about everything. I want to be aware constantly that I am His servant and the purpose of my life is to glorify Him and share the good news of Christ. I will not let the enemy destroy and hold me back any longer. Jesus, here comes your prodigal daughter. Thank you that you've been watching me from a distance with warmth and compassion in your heart, ready to slaughter the fattened calf in celebration of my return. The thought brings tears to my eyes - that you, Jesus, are so loving and so forgiving and that I could somehow doubt that for so long. I know I have tried to break down this wall between us but the attempts have been feeble and half-hearted, believing only that I could never regain your love. So I invite you, my dear sisters (even long lost) in Christ to join me on my adventure of rekindling my walk with the Lord. It may be messy, but it's real. I ask that the Lord will open my eyes and "restore to me the JOY of my salvation". Any encouragement is readily accepted along the way!

Luke 14:15-24

Love,

Jolene